"Crossing The Line" - part
4
The
most illustrious novice, Lady Jellicoe was graciously excused homage
as she was suffering from the effects of a most ferocious and wanton
attack by an Ampere, which had leaped upon her from an electric fan
and bitten her severely on the hand. But, as will be recorded later.
Lady Jellicoe played her part in the proceedings right nobly.
At this stage
His Majesty was pleased to cause it to be ordered that, owing to theextensive
wave motion, set up in the bath, by the pitching of the ship, novices
were to be hove or pushed in. The bath constantly lost water, which
plunged over the sides on to the deck, and left insufficient to make
safe use of the ducking stool.
The first novice
to mount the scaffold was Commodore Dreyer who had the full benefit
of the Court’s experience—in fact, it may be said, he made
quite a good splash.
Other officer
novices were then dealt with most successfully. Many old sea-dogs
insisted on re-initiation, and almost everyone in the ship either
qualified or re-qualified. Several of the Royal retainers were so
moved with emotion at meeting the rosy-cheeked Gunroom officers that
they could not be restrained from taking the water with them, the
Barber’s Assistant being particularly extravagant in this form
of enjoyment. The ship’s company followed in swift succession,
so rapid indeed that the Court well justified the Royal Motto, which,
as the world knows, is “Hustlers—Us and Forked Lightning”—not
that this rapidity was attained at the expense of efficiency—it
was the result of careful organisation and attention to detail. As
each candidate appeared on the platform, he was presented to Their
Majesties, had his name ticked off by the Judge’s Clerk, was
examined by the Judge of the Royal Court, and was passed by the King’s
eminent Physician, who further fortified him for the ordeal by administering
a bitter tonic or a soap pill—occasionally both in bad cases.
This wise man was also armed with a fine stethoscope, new to medical
science, though strongly reminding one of the instrument of torture
worn by many sightsetters and the like through the dark nights of
the past four years to enable them to detect the tune sung by Angelic
Hosts aloft (in Control Positions). The Doctor also sounded backs
and chests with a wooden mallet. He sounded, too, a number of heads,
all of which seemed to be phenomenally thick.
The candidates
then passed along to the Barbers, under contract by Royal Patronage
from the firm of Sweeney Todd. The Lady Barber massaged the head,
while the other two were lathering and shaving. It appears that Messrs.
Sweeney Todd make a speciality of removing tattoo marks. Sometimes
they used an enormous pair of scissors for hair-cutting. The Royal
Hairdressers’ gentle ceremonies at length completed, and the
candidate now cleansed and in a seemly state to proceed with the further
rites, he parted more or less reluctantly from them, and descended
rapidly and sometimes inelegantly, into the bath and the mauls of
the Royal Bears. With care and solicitude, they baptised the aspiring
candidate in the salt and sacred waters of His Majesty’s Dominions,
and the taste was C none the less distressing for the oily and odorous
substance, resembling Stockholm tar, which exuded from the hairy skins
of the Bears. Splashing, gurgling, appreciatively, and giving forth
other signs of manifest joy, the candidate at last emerged from the
bath, no longer a novice, but a com- plete and honoured subject of
His Majesty. Soaked in the sacred water, and a trifle bedraggled,
but flushed and exhilarated, and thoroughly clean for once, the initiated
one went drippingly away to change his damp garments.
From time to time
His Majesty’s Intelligence Department brought tidings of a shirker
or a “conchy.” The King’s Trumpeter having sounded
the “Still,” His Majesty would proclaim “It has been
brought to our notice that . . . has not yet appeared before Us. Police,
arrest him!” The defaulter was then rounded up, and was forthwith
initiated in a most thorough manner, His Majesty frequently directing
the efforts of the Bears in person. The Police took no chances with
truculent subjects. Several were brought up in bags, and only let
loose on the platform.
When the wardroom
cook had been captured and brought up, the “Still” was again
sounded, and His Majesty addressed the Court thus—”We have
before Us the Wardroom Cook. It has been brought to Our Royal Notice
that he spoiled this morning’s breakfast. Let him be ducked thrice
three times!” On the cook, however, presenting an injured hand,
this sentence was graciously commuted and he was treated with remarkable
forbearance, as also were several other sportsmen who appeared from
the Sick Bay in V various stages of disrepair. Their insistence on
going through was loudly cheered by their shipmates.
A Presently the
Trumpeter sounded once more the “Still,” and there stood
before the Throne ten small Lascar Signalmen. His Majesty took the
occasion to rise and say—
